


Launch Party

by Broken_Clover



Category: Guilty Gear
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon Awareness, Crack Fic, Development Gags, Gen, Ky needs a vacation, Sol has a dirty mouth, Venom is needy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 02:10:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15014360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Clover/pseuds/Broken_Clover
Summary: The Guilty Gear Xrd crew visits the Bar Rhythm cafe in Japan to try out their promotional food. Ridiculousness ensues.





	Launch Party

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so fun fact, the Xrd promotional menu was actually a thing. [Take a look here!](https://www.eventhubs.com/news/2015/apr/17/potemkin-pasta-venoms-billiard-takoyaki-fausts-fatally-stimulating-drink-guilty-gear-themed-food-pasela-resorts/) So of course after seeing it, I kinda had to make a joke fic about it just for shits and giggles. I'm not going to explain how this makes sense, because it doesn't. It really doesn't.
> 
> Note that I can't actually read Japanese and I couldn't really find any more information besides the names, so I dunno what's actually in most of the foods, so I just made things up.

“Woooow!”

May’s eyes were practically shining. While the rest of the group wore expressions ranging from something similar to hers to wishing that they were doing almost anything else right then, she was the only one to voice her emotions. To anyone that knew her, that seemed entirely in-character for someone with her naivete and boundless energy.

The pirate girl spun around, pointing to the storefront with barely-restrained enthusiasm. “Look! Look! It’s sooooo cool!”

The sign overhanging the door proclaimed the building as Bar Rhythm Akihabara. Plastered against the window below, a brightly-colored flyer read ‘Limited Time Only- Now serving Guilty Gear Xrd Menu’ in large font.

“I hope they have meat! They’d better have something really good!” Sin looked almost as excited as May, and was practically drooling already.

“Calm down, kid.” Sol placed a hand on his shoulder, tutting in dismay. “Don’t get your hopes up, it’s probably not that good.”

Ky rubbed fingers into his temple, already a tad annoyed. “Must you be so negative? Personally, I believe this will be rather good. They did get approval from the creator, after all.”

“Pfft.” Sol looked unconvinced. “He’s always been an idiot.”

“That sounds rather ungrateful, especially coming from you, of all people.”

“Gentlemen, please!” Faust interrupted, sticking his long arms between the two men. “It doesn’t do well to fight on an empty stomach!”

Sol and Ky looked at each other in irritation, but decided to calm down for the time being.

“Come oooon!” Cried May, tugging on Ky’s cape. “Let’s go try it out already!”

Within the next few minutes, the staff had managed to seat the entire group in the same general area. Some cheerful conversations sprouted up, with people exchanging various reactions as they looked over the menu.

“Ohhh, check it out!” As usual, Chipp couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “I got pudding!”

Axl sent him an amused look. “Huh. Never struck me as a pudding kinda guy.”

“Ehh, consider it a guilty pleasure.” The ninja shrugged, immediately facepalming as the table erupted in giggles from the accidental pun. “You didn’t strike me as a...what was it, strawberry milk?”

“Milk, yeah. It’s not bad. Never really had strawberry, though, so I’ll definitely have to give it a taste.”

“And hey, look at you, big guy!” Chipp reached out to gently nudge Potemkin, who was nestled into the corner. “You got pasta! Dunno what’s up with the green stuff, though.”

Potemkin smiled cordially, having removed his helmet. “That’s very polite of them. I was a tad worried that they were...having issues with me.”

Chipp balanced his head in his hands. “Oh yeah, I see what you mean. You only got like two scenes, didn’t you?”

He sat up, trying and failing to wrap his arm around the larger man’s shoulders. “Well, you’ll always be a protagonist to me!”

“Ughh, spare me the mushy shit.” Sol rolled his eyes. “Sure you should be flirting with Private Meathead when your boyfriend’s sitting right next to you?”

Answer turned bright red, tugging up his scarf. Chipp gave Sol a disappointed look, crossing his arms.

“Unlike you, I can have more than one friend at a time. Besides, just because I rescue someone and teach him ninjutsu and make him my secretary while he’s completely devoted to and supportive of me and my life goals doesn’t mean…” He trailed off, thinking over what he just said. He scowled at Sol’s growing smirk. “You of all people don’t get to say that. Ky’s been married for like two games now and people still think you two are sleeping together.”

Sin bolted up in place, laughing so hard that he almost choked. Sol thumped him on the back a few times- likely harder than was necessary- until he managed to calm down.

At the other end of the table, Leo looked smug. “He does have a point, you know.”

“Shut up, you lion bastard. You’re DLC.”

Leo looked genuinely offended, placing a hand over his chest. Slowly, a wry smile took over. “You’re just jealous because my fans actually like me for my personality.”

“Why, you son of a-”

“Sol.” Ky placed a hand on his rival’s shoulder, trying to keep him from setting the table on fire before the food even arrived. “Maintain your composure.”

“Tch. Old fuck isn’t worth my time, anyway.” Sol looked back down at the menu. “Speaking of old fucks, the vampire got a drink.”

“Quite eloquently named, I approve.” Plucking the pipe from his lips, Slayer offered a bemused smile of his own. “Though I doubt it uses actual blood, I suppose I can appreciate the effort.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s just a name.” Added Ky. “Much like how Sol’s dish doesn’t actually use dragon meat.”

“It doesn’t?!” Sin replied, looking utterly heartbroken by the concept. With a whine, he slammed his head on the table and stayed in place.

“I-it’s okay, Sin!” Elphelt tried to reassure him. “I’m sure it still tastes great!” She nudged her sister, muttering. “Ram, can’t you try and be supportive?”

“Oh.” Reluctantly, Ramlethal put a hand on his head. “Um, there, there?”

“Here, look at this!” In an attempt to calm him down, Elphelt pointed to another part of the menu. “They’ve got burgers like at Danny Missiles! I’m sure that tastes awesome!”

Sin sniffed, lifting his head up. “Yeah, I guess you’re right…” He caught sight of another item. “Hey, you didn’t tell me you guys got something!”

“Hey, check it out, Ram!” Elphelt thrust the menu into her sister’s face. “We got a sweets set!”

Ky looked at the two of them with a twinge of confusion. “I’m surprised they only have the one item for the two of you. You are new characters, and very plot-relevant at that.”

Elphelt scratched her head, giving the menu another look. “Well, I guess the hamburger could count as Ram’s item. I wish they’d gone for a wedding cake for me, but that’d probably be super expensive to make.”

Unexpectedly, Sol butted in. “Yeah, but still. The sleepy bastard got two things of his own.”

“Sleepy bas…” The pink-haired girl tilted her head. “Oh, Mr. Bedman! Where did he end-”

After a quick scan of the table, they found that Bedman had already passed out on the tabletop, with Faust attempting to stack all the table’s water glasses on top of him without any falling off.

“Uh...Dr Faust?”

“What- nothing! I wasn’t-” The gangly man managed to swipe off most of the glasses, with a few slipping out and clinking against the table. Although thankfully none of them broke, the noise was enough to make Bedman jolt up and look around in confusion.

“What in the name of...oh. That’s right.” The boy seemed rather displeased with where he found himself. He directed his agitation towards Faust. “I suppose this was your doing?”

Somehow, Faust had managed to redistribute the glasses in the process, and donned an innocent look. “Who, me? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Bedman looked unimpressed, but turned back. He picked up his own menu and gave it a look-over. “Hmm. Interesting selection.”

“Yeah, we were just talking about your stuff!” Sin burst in cheerfully. “You really scored, huh?”

“I suppose. I was only expecting one, but I’m not going to complain.” He smirked. “I managed to get more than some of the main protagonists. Interesting.”

“Oh, don’t get cocky, kid.” Replied Sol, looking equally smug. “Just a luck of the draw.”

“I highly doubt-”

Sol leaned across the table. “Look. Most folks either think that your name is idiotic or that you’re an irritating little shit. I’m sure part of this stuff is because you’re basically shota-bait.”

The boy went red. “It isn’t my actual name, and I find it difficult to take that from someone named Sol Badguy. I’m sure that plenty of fans…” He paused for a moment. “Ah...shota-bait?”

“Oi, keep the kids outta this!” Chipp leaned over to clasp hands over May’s ears. “They don’t need to hear this!”

“Sol, please. Try to keep the dinner discussion civil.” Ky sent him yet another look.

“Tch. Fine.” Sol leveled a bored look at the newcomer. “All I’m saying is that since Bridget left, the team probably decided that they needed another pretty-boy. Not like your voice really does them any favors, but you do have the skirt. Do you know how often you flash people?”

Bedman went even redder, looking at the floor as he tugged on the fabric of his clothing. Sin was going to offer something cross, but was interrupted by May’s squealing.

“Eeee! We really hit the payload, didn’t we, Johnny?”

“Well, look at that!” The blonde pirate couldn’t resist a smile of his own. “I guess you’re right. Definitely gonna have to bring some stuff back for the girls.”

“Congratulations, mate.” Axl offered a congratulatory shoulder pat. “You weren’t even in Sign, and you still scored.”

Johnny shrugged. “Well, I was there for a lot of it, I just was unplayable.”

“But seriously, four items?” Chipp looked incredulous. “I guess we know who’s the fan favorite!”

At the other end of the table, Venom scowled as he looked over the menu. “I can’t believe that they didn’t even get your name right, Zato-sama.”

“I can’t help but find it hilarious.” Millia offered the two a humored look. “So much effort into bringing this idiot back from the dead, and they don’t even use the right name. And...coffee? Wonder if it’s as black and bitter as your soul.”

Venom looked like he was about to smack the woman over the head with his pool cue, but managed to swallow his anger. Instead, he looked over at Zato, who was running his fingers down the braille menu that they had managed to find for him.

“What do you think, milord?”

“Interesting. I don’t mind the name, but I wonder if the coffee is any good.” He slid his hand down another section, a mildly intrigued expression crossing his features. “I’ve never had takoyaki before, perhaps it’s worth a try? It’s a shame there are so many sweet items, though. I don’t enjoy sugar.”

Venom sent a mildly smug look towards Millia, who didn’t even care enough to look back. Instead, she balanced her chin on one hand and flipped the paper over. 

“I’m not much of a sweets person, myself, but I may as well try the roll cake. Just to say I did.”

From where he was sitting, Faust looked equal part puzzled and intrigued.

“‘Fatally stimulating?’ How fascinating! I wonder why they call it that.”

“I presume it means the taste is strong?” Offered Leo. “Interesting color, though. Looks like medicine.”

“Bismuth subsalicylate, yes. Although that is a tad funny, seeing as how that is a reflux and gastritis medication, it would actually be very mild and soothing.”

“Hmm. ‘Kaltes Gestober,’ I suppose that’s logical for a float drink.”

Sin looked at Leo dumbly. “Wha?”

“Ah...I suppose the best translation would be ‘winter snowstorm.’” He offered in reply. “It’s a float, so it’s cold.”

“Huh.”

“Hey, did you see yours, Sin?” Asked Elphelt, waving her menu. “It’s purple!”

“Woah, that’s so cool!” In his excitement, Sin began smacking Sol over the head with his menu. “Can I get it? Please please please?”

“Of course, Sin.” Ky smiled, trying to ignore as Sol tore the menu away and began ripping it to pieces. “This is a special lunch, after all. Get whatever you’d like.”

“Awesome!”

“Surprised the brat got anything.” Sol added, managing to regain his composure.

Ky tilted his head. “Why is that?”

“Well, he ain’t exactly a new character.”

“Tell that to the fans.” Ky sighed, shaking his head. “I’m aware Overture was a bit of a black sheep, but sometimes I wonder if anyone actually played it.”

“Maybe it’s for the best. That skirt of yours was pretty ridiculous.”

“It was a robe.” The blonde huffed.

Sol smirked. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“On that note,” Said Ky, “Where is Izuna? I know he can be a bit...disorganized, but I don’t imagine that he would miss something like this-”

“He ain’t coming. He and the rest of the guys are having their own shindig over in Frasco.”

“Wait, who else is there?” Sin asked.

“Uhh…” Sol started ticking off his fingers. “Izuna, Undersn, that emo git with the scythe, that chick who got married to a key, that weird nurse-”

“Ohhh, Fanny!” Faust called, clasping his hands together. “I hope she’s doing well, it’s been a while!”

“-That asshole robot that looks like your dad, Bridget, that fan bastard with a shirt allergy, the one-eyed angry chick, Dizzy, the weird cook, that masochistic bird fuck, the ghost channeler...well, there’s probably more, but none I care enough to remember.”

“What about that time-displaced version of you? Is he there?”

“Fuck if I know, and fuck if I care.”

Ky shook his head. “All these years, and they still can’t explain how that made any sense.”

“Causality is a bitch, that’s how.”

“I’m just saying this now.” I-no reclined in her chair. “Inviting Raven was a terrible decision on their part. That idiot can’t be out in public. Especially nowadays.”

Sol turned to cock an eyebrow at her. “Why’s that?”

“He’s got a redesign, so now he’s half-convinced they’re gonna put him in the next game. He won’t shut up about it.”

“I suppose that is a logical conclusion.” Ky tapped his chin, looking down the table. “Johnny, did you hear anything like that?”

“Yeah, actually.” The pirate looked rather proud. “I actually have a meeting with some of the other guys after this. The programmers are definitely gonna put in a few more characters, and I’m all but guaranteed to get in.” He pointed a finger at Answer. “They said something to you too, right?”

The man had been quiet for a while, but smiled a little as he was spoken to. “Yes, they have. It’d be such an honor if they did…”

“Wait, what?!” Chipp all but shrieked. “How could you not tell me, man?”

Answer looked embarrassed. “Oh. S-sorry, boss, I didn’t-”

In one smooth motion, Chipp cuffed him around the shoulders, beaming. “I’m so proud of you! You've gotta tell me all about it when we get home. I can’t wait to hear about your Instant Kill! I can call in a friend or two to help you get all fancy for your big debut!”

“I...thank you, boss.” Answer had gone bright red. “Well, I was thinking about doing something with my hair…”

“Trust me, mate.” Axl offered a wry smile. “You want to make your first time good, or else they won’t ever let you forget it. I mean, May ‘n the big fella almost wound up with axes!”

Johnny gave the Brit an amused look. “Seems like you didn’t pay attention to your own advice. You went back to wearing those ridiculous shorts. Not to mention those...what even are they, mudflaps?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over that obnoxious neon getup you had in Vastedge.”

“Gentlemen, please.” Once again, Ky had to play peacekeeper, looking just about ready to let them go at each other just so he could catch a break. “We’re all entitled to our own opinions, but there’s no need to be rude. I will admit, I wasn’t particularly happy with my Vastedge design, either, but it was experimental, so I feel like we should be a bit more forgiving.”

“I’m just glad I’m not the fanservice character anymore.” Millia added. “The leggings are so much comfier. I feel bad for Ramlethal, though. I don’t think that belt does well for a bra.”

“No, not really.” The Valentine tugged on her cloak. “I use magic, but I’d just prefer to wear the dress Mr. Kiske gave me.”

The squabbling groups decided to take a break, right about the time when the waitress came to take orders. It took a while for everyone to get their requests straight (“No, May, I don’t care if you’re 24, you’re not getting alcohol.”) but soon enough, everyone had their mind back on food.

“I can’t believe they called your drink ‘Bullshit.’” Axl said. “It’s so in-character that it hurts.”

“Why the hell would I bother giving it a name? All it needs to do is get me drunk.”

Ky scowled. “Sol, please. Must you be so crude?”

“Almost 20 years, and you’re still asking me that?”

“‘Rainbow Eye’ is such a pretty name, miss I-no is so lucky!” Elphelt smiled.

Sin nodded. “Well, it’s pretty accurate. They do change color when you look at them different! It’s, um, iro- ero-”

“Iridescent.” Ky corrected, before I-no could.

“Right, yeah! That. Usually I’d ask the sleepyhead, but…” He gestured to Bedman, who had fallen asleep on the table again. Faust was stacking glasses on top of him...again, while May was braiding his hair.

Chipp looked on in dismay. “That kid has issues. And I'm not even just talking about the narcolepsy.”

“I’d make fun of you for being a fake ninja,” said Sol, “but you’re not wrong. He did try to kill most of us.”

“Pfft. So what?” I-no shrugged. “So did I, and you still invite me to your tea parties.”

“She does have a point. As did I.”

“Thank you, Rammy. You get it.”

“Nah, it’s more the dependency issues, I think.” Elphelt said. “I mean, come on. His only friend was his sister, no wonder he lost it. Maybe he just needs friends?” She turned to Sol and Ky, eyes shining. “Can we adopt- !”

“No.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Hmph.” She scowled.

“We can’t go around adopting every villain.” Ky sighed. “Then we’d end up with half of the Assassin’s Guild living with us.”

“Not a half bad idea.” Having been quiet for a while, Slayer spoke up again. “Some of the children could use it.”

“Millia already ran away, sir. Who else would need to leave?” Venom asked.

“In all honesty, I hope they finally cut you a break, Venom. You’ve been obsessing for years. A vacation would do you some good.”

Venom recoiled. “Sir! My place is with Zato. I will always be there for him- to- to serve him. As a servant.” He went red behind his bangs.

“Keep telling yourself that, loverboy.”

“Shut up, Millia.”

Shhhhhh- shut up!” May hissed, slapping her hands on the tabletop. Faust was just barely able to take off the stack of glasses as May accidentally clocked Bedman over the head and woke him up again. “Food’s here!”

A massive menagerie of dishes were placed on the table. As it seemed, all the conversation had stirred up appetites, and just about everyone dug in eagerly.

“Ahh, this is super yummy!” The young pirate cried in between sips of cocoa and bites of her little edible anchor.

“Slow down, May.” Johnny advised, patting her on the head. “You’re gonna make yourself sick.”

“I’m sorry! It’s just so good!”

“She is right, though!” Agreed Sin. “I didn’t think ‘Black Thunder’ would be so tasty!”

“How is the coffee, Zato-sama?”

The man took a sip. “Dark. I like it. What are your thoughts?”

“It- it’s good!” Venom smiled, immediately swiping Chipp’s soda and taking a drink when neither were looking, to get rid of the bitter taste.

“Hmm, not bad.” I-no prodded at the multicolor drink with her straw. “I personally prefer the ‘Bullshit,’ but this isn’t half bad.”

“Even more vibrant in person…” Faust was enraptured by his drink, not even willing to try it yet. “What a gorgeous coloration!”

“Y’know, for my first time trying strawberry milk, it’s definitely something!”

“Mind if I give it a taste, Ax?” Asked Chipp. “You can have some of my...hey wait, where’s my soda?”

While sipping her own glass of ‘Bullshit,’ Millia used Angra to swipe one of Zato’s takoyaki. “What’s even in this stuff?”

“Octopus, I believe.” Replied Bedman, trying to undo the mysterious braid that he had woken up with. 

“Eh. I’ll stick to the soup, then.”

“‘Kaltes Gestober,’ you live up to your name.” Leo whimpered, trying to stifle the brain freeze.

Slayer twirled his glass, looking genuinely impressed. “Not blood, but still a rich flavor. Definitely very dandy.”

“Hey, big guy! How’s the pasta?”

Potemkin smiled, taking care not to bend his fork. “It’s delicious, Chipp. Would you like to try?”

“Hell yeah!”

“Ah, you can have some of my takoyaki, too, boss!”

“Omelette rice. Protein-rich!” While his long tongue slipped out to taste, Faust nodded approvingly. “Not a dish I’ve had before.”

“The soup really does taste like Leap’s.” Said Johnny, taking a spoonful. “I’ll be darned.”

Meanwhile, Sin looked over his array of plates. “What do I even try first?”

Sol sent Ky a disappointed look between bites of rib. “You knew this would happen. ‘Get whatever you want.’ You knew he was gonna take that as ‘get everything you want.’”

“W-well, at least it’s all expenses paid…” Ky turned away, going a little pink.

“How’s the burger, sis?”

“Salty. As it should be.” A small, shark-toothed smile split Ram’s lips. 

Fortunately, no more conflicts sprouted up, with every too distracted by food. Aside from a few dirty looks between Millia and Venom, and Ky trying to correct people’s terrible table manners, the atmosphere was remarkably relaxed.

“I can’t believe that kid ate the ribs _and_ the burger in less than five minutes.” Chipp tried and failed to not look confused. “How the hell did Kiske raise him?”

“He didn’t.” Sol quipped back.

“All my meat is gone...good thing I’ve still got the honey toast.”

As he munched on the bread, Sin glanced over at Bedman. He hadn’t touched much of his food, instead preferring to hold onto his drink glass and stare at it.

“Earth to Bedman!” Sin called, reaching across the table to wave and get his attention. His efforts worked, but the boy looked displeased.

“What is it?

“You’re zoning out again. Did you even drink any of your...what even was it? I forgot.”

“I think they called it ‘Nightmare Soda.’”

“‘Nightmare Soda,’ huh?” Sin asks, swiping the glass away. “Wonder what’s so nightmarish about- blech!”

Almost immediately after taking a sip, Sin began coughing and spluttering. Bedman took the opportunity to take his drink back, wiping the rim off with the edge of his gown.

“Don’t steal my food.”

Sin looked at him in sheer bewilderment. “That stuff tastes likes shit, man! It’s way too bitter! What’s even in it?”

“Vodka.” Bedman replied, and proceeded to down the entire glass in one swig.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm probably gonna make a sequel to this about the other group over in Frasco. This is the kinda crack that I love to write.


End file.
